The struggle to create and live life while maintaining some kind of equilibrium can create a lot of anxiety and move us away from the natural free flow of the moment. There is so much beyond us, beyond our understanding, beyond our experience. An infinite sea of things we can never know and a deep need to have some kind of footing and ground throughout it all. Growing up in so much uncertainty, especially if support and validation wasn't supplied in our childhood homes, can lead to a need to have control. This control can manifest in every facet of our lives: to control the body, to control our lives and the external world, to control our interactions within our relationships and limit and control change. We do this by remaining hyper vigilant, on the attack and defense at all times. We define everything around us including ourselves, and rate everything based on value. We feel a sense of anxiety as we wait for our bubble to burst and our sense of control to fade away leaving us afloat in a sea of chaos. Our very fear of this happening validates the fact that the very idea of control is a fiction we sell ourselves.
To maintain this fiction we sacrifice much of the range and depth of experience in life. We cut off our emotions because they are dangerous and unknown. We disconnect from our bodies because they lead us back to our emotions and sensations that we can't look at. We sacrifice vulnerability and authentic sharing in relationship because those things are not controllable. Our stress levels remain high as we go about our days trying to spin the planet and move everything within it by sheer force of will. The more of this fiction we participate in the more our need for control will grow and with it our fear. The more we try to control the more likely things will fall apart and make us come face first with the realization that we are never under control.
We need to redefine our relationship to the word surrender. Surrender means more about letting go of resistance rather then loosing control. When we try to control things what we are basically doing is trying to resist what is. This seems rather silly when you look at it. We use so much energy and exhaust ourselves living in fear and anxiety resisting what is. Where do we begin then to start re-entering life and flow? First there is a big difference between control in the moment and knowing that the moment is safe, that you are safe in the moment. You must first connect back to your body and from there learn emotional intelligence. It is these two things along with intuition that gives us the most information on the present moment and our feelings about it. Part of our resistance in not wanting to look at and own that fact that control is an illusion. While we have choice in the moment on how we feel, and how we act, we have no control over anything else. With our intention and energy we do broadcast and co-create the outcomes that take place but even in that the art of surrendering comes into play. Creating change is more about making higher quality choices in whatever presents itself to us then trying to control what is presented.
We also must recognize the downside to living in the fiction of control. Many people experience profound moments of deep realization when meditating or going through profound experiences. They avoid and resist, avoid and resist, the moment they soften and let go of the resistance they are propelled to a place where they experience the vast array of senses and experiences in the moment free of definitions or anxiety. They are simply aware and appreciate every facet of the experience whether comfortable or not. It is in this moment that it is as if a bell is rung and you become hollow. It is in this space that you feel your infiniteness and realize how small you were living and thinking and being.
Living free of resistance, living in totality allowing everything to be exactly as it is while holding a vision of what we wish to co-create and birth into reality is a state of trust. It is trust in self and trust that you are being fully supported as you need it and that your greatest power is in the quality of choices that you make in those moments. The surrendering allows us to experience the full breath and depth of each facet of the moment. It allows us to be at peace with discomfort and with jubilation. Above all it allows us to re-connect back to our needs, back to a healthy place of healthy expectations of self. It allows us to connect in relationship in authentic vulnerability and receive as well as give in a whole new wholehearted way. Life becomes freer, more energy is created and we can enjoy each step we take rather than avoid and grasp and feel anxiety.
Letting go of the illusion of control and learning to be fully present to the moment is a continual process. It is a habit we must break and a belief we must re-write. There are many modalities that can help with this and many avenues for learning. Going forward remember to be gentle with yourself and above all be aware of when you are resisting the flow of the moment.
Charlotte Brammer, RP
Psychotherapist, Hypnotherapist
EMDR Trained, Equine Assisted Psychotherapist
Somatic Relational Psychotherapist- Level 2 Trained
Living Clarity
