As I sit in front of my computer screen and
write down a flow and progression of words as they filter through my neurons
recording what science would dub stream of consciousness I am aware that these
thoughts have already been and my fingers are actually recording them long
after they no longer even exist. Same with all my other actions, and
procrastinations at this very computer, at this very desk as I either determine
the flow of success or lack of success in my life by the very tasks that I
perform exactly where I am sitting. Taking up, holding, wasting or occupying my
space and time with meaningless tasks or hoping that what I am doing is going
to lead to a favorable outcome. This measuring of outcomes has been handed to
me as a well-defined grail of values based on societal views. I have spent an
equally proficient amount of time in front of this screen picking apart and
seeing through the absurdities of these values and requirements of society. A
society that is wholly occupied with space, the taking of it, having of it,
lacking of it and subjugating that of others.
The Scale
There are three
sides to every issue, the lack, the surplus and the balance; black, white and
grey so to speak. There are those people who have through breeding and teaching
born them to lack; they are the quote unquote believers of unworthiness of
space. Then there are the entitled ones, who for no abundance of reason believe
it is their innate birthright to take up and so forfeit all the space not
belonging to them subjugating those that believe they are unworthy of it. Same
society two opposing and yet totally interdependent points of view; where is
the grey? Both of these states are concerned only with external representation,
they find their worth and means through external validation or lack of
validation. The Grey is within, it is the indefinable way that you realize you
are space, space is you, you are not devoid of it or lack it, and you are not
entitled to it as that means it is something to be attained. This can be very
confusing especially for those beginning to reclaim and live in their own
space, how is it not entitled if I am worthy of my own space. The answer, you
never lacked space, you can’t be entitled to something that always is and
always will be so long as you exist, you can’t lack or gain, give or take a
very principle of reality. There is no more or less.
Flowering
You also neither
need to be worthy or unworthy of space for the space that you occupy remains
regardless of the feelings you attach to it. It begs the question then of
point! What is the point in wasting time trying to feel worthy of something
that you already exist in, why not just feel it and be it? Why not just
surrender to what is and then walk through life? I have been asking myself the
question of what is the value of self worth and I believe it is another trap;
it is another way to remain split in duality of white and black, worth and
none. What decides worth? Man; take away all preconceived notions that man has
created and look at life, simply look at it, the flower does not bother itself
about its worthiness of flowering or unworthiness of flowering, it simply
flowers and enriches the ecosystem around it with its flowering. So much
anxiety is created by these definitions and semantics that it brings tears to
my eyes and laughter to my soul, how much we run around in search of such
meanings which are the illusions keeping us hungry in the first place. Why do
we bother with these words, why do we not just allow existence and flower and
enrich the ecosystem with our flowering? These words clog our perspective, clog
our vision and our clarity, they concern us with proof and validation; they
concern us with action and outcome. Action and outcome is the inevitable effect
of existence, they do not need to be forced to happen, every moment creates an
effect with our without our participation. How then to navigate other then to
exist in our own existence, to create from our being! Imagine the effect from a
cause that is cultivated from our very being rather then from the hollow
inheritance of measurement and value that were handed down to us.
Shifting Perspectives
We
need to let go of feelings of worthiness and unworthiness all together because
they are meaningless, they are taking up our perspective so that we can not see
what is already there, what is right now, what has always been. It has been
threatening in the past to do this because we have created so many definitions,
so many ways to define our value as a person, nation, and species. So many ways
to make ourselves different, now we have to prove it, we have to prove our
value, prove our specialness. Why bother, it changes nothing, all our defining
never changes what is. You don’t have to prove something exists when it is
tangibly evident and yet we go on completely ignoring it, looking the other way
and keep trying to prove or un-prove our definitions of ourselves. It is funny
really, the flower is in bloom and we look at the tree and say the flower is
not blooming. How blinded I myself was, the pull of the feelings so strong, so
real so tangible and yet so completely and perfectly constructed to keep me
from seeing through them. When you live on the circumference of the scale, you
lack any connection to clarity, to balance. It is only when you return to the
center and look both ways, at both sides of the duality that you see through
its ridiculousness.
Embracing Freedom
It
is in the art of learning how to return to center, to see through duality, to
see through the words that we find our true freedom. We find that we just need
to exist, that we just need to be. We are regardless anyway. I found my way
through Psychotherapy, Equine Facilitated Therapy and a deep and vigilant
connection to myself and to truth. We explore this in a new Equine Facilitated
Workshop of Self Connection and Allowing Existence. It is a two-day journey
through the circumference to the center and to freedom.
Charlotte Brammer
