How Body Image Leads to Complacency in Life

In a society that is so focused on, to the point of obsessed with, body image and unreal expectations of perfect beauty it isn’t that surprising that even the smallest wavering’s from that ideal would attract our mirth and downright hatred. We feel unattractive, undesirable, like a fake, undeserving and yet yearning for our needs to be met; you get the idea. In a way these external quarks about our bodies become our only focus for these internal feeling states. Like if only I didn’t have … then I could have… We pour all our feelings into them believing and associating them with why we aren’t getting what we want and why we are stuck where we our. There are some benefits to this symbiosis if you will of body hatred. It allows us to step away from the uncomfortable feelings until we look into the mirror or focus on what we can’t seem to have which puts us face first with our target of hate. Unless of course it has come to a point where the body hatred is all pervasive and never relenting.

The Emotional Origins 

It allows us from realizing that these feelings of lack or disgust originate from inside ourselves because we bought into what society tells us about ourselves. It isn’t our extra weight that makes us feel like shit, don’t forget only a few hundred years ago extra weight was seen as the height of beauty and a status icon for higher class citizens. It is that we were told at some point to feel bad about who were inherently were, often times based on the most ridiculous measurements. The other thing it allows us to avoid is that we can simply choose to stop feeling this way. I can sense your anger at that statement, none the less it is true regardless of all the arguments your mind is shouting at you right now.

The Payoffs To This Behaviour

The other benefit that we receive from continuing our external based hatred is that it allows us to completely avoid taking risks. Well if I can’t get… because of… then why even bother. In this way we can insulate ourselves from having to reach out and be vulnerable, from having to try and maybe fail. It keeps us from having to dust ourselves of and try again, and maybe again, and maybe again learning along the way until we become successful by getting what we want. This body shaming and body hating is our ticket to complacency. In which ways does your body faux pas allow you to avoid taking risks, avoid taking responsibility for the fact that you can create the things in your life that you believe you can’t because of it? What are your body faux pas, when did they start and why? How have they benefited you up until now?

Behaviours That Are Out Of Alignment  

            It doesn’t just stop there; it can even be certain behaviors that we do that give us the same hatred focal point and the same outcome. Which behaviors that you do, or that you have begun to do make you feel the same way, like you will never have something in your life that you really want? When did it start and why? How do you feel about it? How has this pattern benefited you up until now? In the case of behaviors in some instances they aren’t actually in line with whom we are as healthy individuals; like my OCD, or smoking as examples. This doesn’t mean that we can’t create what we truly want as long as we have these behaviors, quite the opposite. But with both body and behaviors if we are out of balance then we can choose to work to get back into balance. What we need to do is hold the intention that it is for self-love that we are doing the work to get back into balance rather then because it will lead to us attaining the external outcome that we desire.

The Beginning of Letting Go

There also comes the point where you have to analyze where these judgments and baselines are coming from. Trying to bring the unhealthy teachings to light has been taken on by many individuals raising the call to question and heal. Yet we still go on buying into what is being churned out for us as beliefs and views about ourselves. Media, society as a whole it doesn’t matter. The people setting the standards are no different, no wiser, no smarter then you. They also represent a very small minority that is very out of touch with what real people actually find attractive. So it begs the question when will we stop letting others guide our views and finally ask ourselves what we find beautiful. What we find sexy? When we will stop allowing others to create our world, our reality, when will we own our own power to choose and to create? When will we let go and move forward? 

Click Here to find services to help you move forward

Cheers,

Charlotte Brammer

Moving Through Grief and Starting Over

The turmoil of Grief

I don’t know whether the hope, rage or the despair is better when grieving. You come to hate the hope because even though it allows a reprieve from the rage or despair that you feel, it also leads to another devastating crash when it flees again. On the other hand the depths of despair are so deep you wonder how you will ever climb out again as those who care about you tell you that it will get better and you pray their words are right. You become addicted to the rage because at least in some small way it empowers you and you feel neither hope nor despair but a smoldering hatred that gives you a small freedom, but then you realize what it does to you and you begin to hate the hate because it twists your body and soul in ways that feel wrong. In the meantime you walk one day, one moment at a time in world that has shifted, a world that you feel will never be the same, a world that has lost the allure and the vivid colors it once held for you.

You find yourself in a world where the smallest things break you open, leave you uncovered to the world, to yourself and you hate what has happened to you. You remember a time when it wasn’t so, but can no longer feel it. Or even worse you can feel it in all it roundness and when the dream fades you are reminded in a very visceral way the truth of your loss once again. You start to avoid places and things, can’t stand watching movies or TV or music because they all hold your desperate heart in their uncaring palms, fingers pressing on your loss ever so slightly. Perhaps you gain the courage to face the places that hold the potential to make you feel but they do not alleviate the feelings in the moment though they may shorten the time it takes to climb out of the mourning process.

The twisting of the Grieving Process

Reading about the stages of grief can be helpful, understanding the process was helpful for me because at least I knew that what I are going through is normal, is real and I wasn’t crazy. However when you are grieving and dealing with your own daemons, which twist and churn the feelings to attack your very core, your very worth it is another thing completely. When in the depths of your despair instead of merely feeling the loss, the daemons turn the loss into validation that you are flawed, unworthy and unlovable. In your hope the daemons turn your hope to shame over your weakness in not being strong enough to not want the one who hurt you. Even if you were strong enough to be the one that walked away from something that was not healthy your daemons tell you are weak to remember the good times and be sad. They laugh at your pain and tell you that you deserve it, what were you thinking. All the while your life has changed and now you need to find a way through all of this to create an entirely new life, find a connection to a new vision, to new dreams while mourning the loss of the ones you held so dear just a little while ago.

Creating a New Life While We are Broken Open

I was asked to write about the grieving process; at first I was hesitant because it is a vastly important and vastly shared experience and I wasn’t sure if I could do it justice. What I realized as I thought about my own experiences is that I have a vast amount to share and say. What I also know is how hard it is to have to change your entire life and create something entirely new while grieving. This is almost impossible when you are just trying to survive, when feelings of numbness take hold and you don’t even care if you live or die, if you stay on the subway platform or you jump off. How can we find the motivation, the energy to get up and create something of inspiration when it takes all we have just to crawl out of the blankets and put socks on our feet? How can we possibly put on a brave face when the world itself has shifted and nothing is the same to have the conversations that will decide the directions that our lives take? How is it that we learn to cope and try to remain balanced as our internal tides climb from rage to despair to hope to acceptance to rage with no warning, no pattern that we can see? When our daemons and unhealthy past beliefs attack us in our greatest pain?

New Growth from the Forest Fire of Loss

And yet we do, we find a way, we tap vast pools of strength we never knew we had, we make our way through the crucible and find ourselves forged anew. We look in the mirror and ask where it came from, the ability to stand through adversity and survive. Once we are out the other side we wonder how it is we had the strength to create a new life, new growth out of the forest fire of loss. There is so much potential in grief for self-healing, for self-love and care, for new growth. It allows us to see things within that we normally wouldn’t see and allows us the opportunity to purge our daemons once and for all so that we have the freedom to feel our losses free from shame and guilt so that we can be cleansed and made whole once again. I know in my own experience that there were a few things that helped me be able to create anew.

• Understanding the grieving process

1. The stages of grief – Denial and or hope, anger, sorrow, bargaining and acceptance
2. How the stages don’t go in order and don’t finish all at once but come in waves and interchange with one another
3. That as time goes on the waves of anger, sorrow and hope begin to ease each time, the lows aren’t as low; how acceptance and peace begin to become stronger and longer each time we come out of the darkness
4. Learning the lessons that the experience holds for us

• Understanding how our own unhealthy and negative beliefs create more stress and despair. Understanding how to let them go and move into a healthier place
• Understand the difference between pure unaltered grief and when our own stuff is interfering
• Understanding how to create beneficial change in the first place, the pitfalls and the steps
• Allowing the tides to flow with self care and compassion
• Creating a new vision in alignment with our truth
• Taking small steps one at a time to build again
• Accepting the help of our support systems and reaching out rather then isolating

Moving Forward

It is never easy, but we aren’t alone. Like anything else in life we are guaranteed greater success if we understand the rules and foundations in the first place. The grieving process is no different; even if we wish it were something we could bypass all together. One step, one day, one wave at a time until we emerge onto dry land once more and look back in appreciation of ourselves and of the lives we now live. The loss of a loved one, of property, of our significant other, of a way of life, of a violation, of a betrayal is devastating; all loss is. With the right tools you can make your way through, you can build again; you can create the life you desire. The Envision Series of workshops dive into how to heal, how to create change, how to build a vision and a life that is in alignment with your own powerful truth. It will give you the skills and knowledge to be your own therapist so that you can create whatever you desire.

Charlotte Brammer

For more information Click Here

How to Successfully Choose a Therapist

With so many different kinds of disciplines within the therapy field, and not to mention the multitude of practitioners practicing in these various fields it can be a daunting thing to find someone who you will be able to fit well with and can help you without wasting a lot of time and money. In this blog I will give you tips and tools to help you easily find a health professional that will complement you and be truly effective, providing you exactly the service you want for the money you spend.

Before you even begin to look at various websites, phonebooks, or different networks that health professionals advertise in, the process begins at home with you. The following is the top 8 questions you need to ask yourself so you can know what kind of professional / person you want to hire, and the actual healing modality you wish to use, whether mainstream medicine, Holistic to Natural Healing.

Top 8 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Locating a Therapist

1. What area specifically in your life are you looking to get help with? Or in other words what are your goals, why are you seeking out help in the first place?
2. Are these goals mostly emotional, physical, mental, or spiritual, or do they pertain more to making external changes in your life?
3. Are you going to be more or less comfortable with a male or female practitioner?
4. What qualities are you looking for in a practitioner, example compassionate, listens well, doesn’t spend the whole time writing in a notebook, challenges your thinking etc.
5. Do you prefer a client oriented organic session, or something with more structure (client led versus practitioner led)?
6. Do you want to talk and do experiential exercises or do wish to learn about tools and techniques and theories in your sessions, or both?
7. If you had to do a map of your entire life at this time, and rate how happy, successful, harmonious, or alternately the opposites of that, unhappy, stressful and chaotic all the different aspects are what would you find?
8. Now looking at your entire life, do you have over all balance between the different aspects or are some things getting way to much of your energy and others hardly any?

From the above questions you not only now understand exactly what you are looking for and need, you can now decide from that information what kind of healing modality are you looking for. Examples: nutritional, fitness, spiritual, therapy oriented, Equine Assisted Therapy, holistic or alternative, hypnotherapy etc. If you have to it is easy enough to Google the different kinds of modalities and see which fits the best with your needs. If you find you are looking for therapy then keep reading the rest of this blog. The above questions are also very beneficial for the therapist, as they will greatly speed up the intake process and allow the practitioner to know exactly what you want.

 The following questions may take a little research or thought on your part but they are very important and will help you to decide what kind of therapy modality you are looking for.

Top 3 Questions to Ask When Choosing a Field of Therapy

1. What kind of therapist are you looking for, Psychotherapist, Psychiatrist, Psychologist, life coach etc.?
2. What field of therapy do you most resonate with? Why? Example, gestalt therapy, spiritual direction, Freudian, or do you wish for a more natural and holistic approach where the focus is on discovering your true self and integrating and balancing your entire life?
3. Of the fields you find intriguing do you resonate with the base theories of why you are experiencing trouble and how they can help?

Now you have a base to interview each individual practitioner. You can do this process over the phone, or during the consultation session, some practitioners will even meet you for coffee and chat. Websites, and blogs that these practitioners write and run will also be greatly beneficial to browse through. They can help you to understand what services they offer and get a feel for who the practitioner is, their beliefs and ideas and the style of therapy they use (not to mention if they are competent). The longer they have been writing a blog the more you will be able to see their own personal and professional evolution. Keep in mind that some practitioners offering consultations sessions charge while others offer the session for free. Here is a list of the top 10 questions you should ask when interviewing a practitioner excluding the all-important question of price and whether their service is covered by health insurance of government funding!

Top 10 Questions to Ask a Potential Practitioner 

1. What are the guiding principles you work by?
2. What area within the therapy field are you best at or most passionate about?
3. What of these areas do you find you are best at: emotional, mental, physical, spiritual, or life coach/ motivator (making external changes)?
4. What are your views on the patient therapist relationship and how do you run a session?
5. What kinds of issues do you find yourself working on most with your clients at this time? (Can be a great way to gauge what the therapist is themselves working on, as often as practitioners we get clients who’s goals, needs and blocks mirror our own) It can also be a representation of their particular niche or expertise, as clients will be drawn to work with a practitioner who offers what they are looking for.
6. How do you differ from other practitioners in your field?
7. What attracted you to practice this modality and has that attraction changed over the years? You can also ask do you enjoy what you do?
8. Is what you offer going to allow me to use the tools and techniques so that I can eventually be self sufficient, in other words am I going to be able to make my life better on my own, and how will you service achieve this? (If the answer is no, walk away!)
9. How long have you been practicing?
10. What licensing or degrees do you have and where did you get them?

Not every practitioner will be able to answer all of the questions especially if they are fairly new to the field as it takes time and experience to get to know themselves, their practice and how their own beliefs, experiences, lessons and learning’s will factor into the services they offer. In other words don’t rule out someone just because they could only answer 4 or 5 of the questions; the main goal in asking these questions is to see if what the practitioner offers matches what you need, as that is what you are purchasing.

Also try to keep in mind how you are feeling and what your instincts are telling you through this process and while around this practitioner. If the practitioners values and practice match what you are looking for but you find yourself feeling uncomfortable with this person, then the time you spend in session will be greatly unsuccessful. A healthy practitioner client relationship has to be based on trust; if you can’t be vulnerable then you can’t share important details that will allow you to create change in your life. Once you go through and finish this process you should have enough information to make an informed choice if this practitioner is right for you or not. Ultimately the reasons we all seek out help differ; the basic foundation of getting our needs successfully met and not wasting our money remains the same to all of us.

Good luck!! Please share your thoughts below

Charlotte Brammer

How to Break the Pattern of Unfulfilling Relationships

So often in relationships we fail to see the patterns that repeat, keeping us feeling frustrated or stuck in the same unfulfilled and unsatisfying relationships over and over again. The faces change and yet we feel like we are with the same people, the same friends, the same romantic interest. We often don't notice this until after the relationship degrades and then we look back and go why do I keep being attracted to the same arshole (I use that term gender neutrally) or alternatively why can't I find a group of friends who are..... Instead of..... You can fill in the blanks. A rather large part of building a life is the company we fill it with; how healthy these relationships are will either create joy or stress in our lives. Some people are a part of our lives regardless, such as family. Family often provide us with the largest challenges and are also the people we can learn and grow from the most. Our current internal landscape was in large part influenced by those we grew up with.

Once we work through the steps of clearing out the old and create a new vision of what we desire, we can find our footing, reclaim our basic boundaries and use discernment in our choices. In this blog we will discuss friends and romantic interests. While most of this blog is applicable to family of origin (F.of.O) (the people we grew up with) there is so much more intricacy to F.of.O that it will be its own individual blog. For example just cutting family out of our lives may not be a possibility and we may not want to sever that bond completely, whereas with a spurned lover or a friend that violated our trust intimately severing those relationships may be the best thing.

The Visioning Process

A big part of the visioning process is visioning the people we wish to have in our lives. The kind of family we want, the kind of community, the kind of friend group that has complete faith and trust in you and your vision moving forward. This also includes the kinds of animals you wish to be around. Animals are often a forgotten piece of this puzzle, they are such a normal part of life that we often forget that they are beings in and of themselves with intelligence and emotional lives. Make sure if they are part of your vision that you fully understand the commitment that is required before making them a part of your life.

•  Take a moment right now and define what a healthy relationships is. Don't necessarily label it only friend relationship or romantic relationship, while there are physical differences in the relationships the basic foundation of human interaction and connection remain the same.

            Trying to figure out what a healthy relationship is can be a very daunting and a tricky process. From our parents to the media, a healthy relationship can be scarce found especially in our current society, and so trying to define something that few have seen is a hard task. There are healthy elements of relationships out there so pick and choose among those you know and the experiences you have had that resonate with you.

Defining Your Current Relationship Landscape

Once you have a general idea what a healthy relationship is we can begin to look at how far your current relationships fall short. Time to take out the paper and pen or the keyboard once more.

• Define your current relationships by summarizing how you feel about them and utilizing a few words to describe them. Are they helpful, joyous and spontaneous or are they one sided, frustrating and isolating? Do they encourage you, or hold you back? Etc.
•  Look back over past relationships with friends, family or romantic interests. What are the patterns? Were there certain emotions that you felt most of the time? Were there certain fights that happen over and over? Which boundaries did they cross and which did you cross that you can see happening over multiple relationships? Were there certain things that happen over and over? Do the endings of relationships ever seem to be the same or run along the same currents and events?
• What are similar red flags that you can see over and over again in the beginnings of relationships? (This means a hint that the person you are beginning the relationship with will eventually fulfill the same unhealthy pattern again. For example say your pattern is emotionally unavailable significant others, some red flags may be their inability to tell you things when they are upset, or never asking anything about you, or on an internal level never feelings safe in the relationship)
• What are unhealthy beliefs that you have about relationships? What are the fairy tales? This last one can be hard because how do we know which of our beliefs are healthy and which are unhealthy. Start with which beliefs limit possibilities and which just don't feel right. Then move onto and question them all, to simply believe something means to stop questioning it and this leads to stagnation and lack of growth.

Figuring our Your Own Internal Landscape

Once you define your patterns and create a clear picture of what your current relationships look like it is time to figure out exactly where you stand. Where you need to do work and where you need to be more discerning. If you have trust issues and this leads you to being over controlling, start fights for no reason or feel like you have to check up on your intimate partner, or even your friends then that is something that you will have to heal. A lot of the crap that happens in our relationships is actually happening unfortunately because we allow it to happen. If you find the people around you abusing your goodwill and being disrespectful it is because you are allowing them to. If you speak up and they still don't change then you need to make the hard choice to not have them in your life in whatever capacity this ends up looking like, if they do change then great. That is the difference between healing and using your discernment. Learning to speak up is something you can do to heal the gap, seeing when someone really is just an arshole and choosing not to have him or her in your life is using your discernment.

• What are some of the patterns that come from you in relationships?
• What are the qualities in others that you admire the most? Can you learn to cultivate them within   yourself?
• Finally in all the patterns that you found from earlier what part did you play? What will you need to heal to stop the pattern and how can create different choices?

Using Your Power and Discernment

            Using your discernment can also come in handy when you need to decide who is safe in your life to open up to and be vulnerable with. If you open up to someone who is emotionally unavailable you will end up hurt, which will unfortunately just reinforce the unhealthy belief that being vulnerable and sharing yourself with anyone is dangerous. It is only dangerous with the wrong people. Take out pen and paper or keyboard and answer the following questions.

• How do you deserve and demand to be treated
• What qualities do you require from friends or from a romantic partner that are non-negotiable (deal breakers)
• I know the fabled make a list of qualities for your dream friend, or dream partner is sometimes scoffed at, but do it anyway. Now that it is complete look it over, how many are expectations that are to high and are setting you up for failure. Alternatively are they not high enough and will continue to let you choose arsholes in your life. How many of the qualities can you check off for yourself? If financial stability is a quality you desire in a partner, are you financially stable? (Get to work ;) )
• What are your own values, hopes and dreams

            Once you finish the questions and get a good sense of what needs to change you can begin to implement what you've learned into your life. It takes time, patience and practice to stand for what you want and to stop repeating patterns that you have had all your life. Like any habit it can be broken and you can have the relationships you desire and deserve. In order to do this you need to know where you are, where you want to move to, what is in the way and how to heal those blocks to let you move from where you are to your new vision.

The Services That Can Help

There are many services that can help support you through this transition including psychotherapy, life coaching, Hypnotherapy and even Homeopathy. If you desire to create new relationships, with valentines day fast approaching and relationships on the forefront of societies mind, then check out this months Equine Workshop -  How To Create Fulfilling Relationships.

Click Here to find out more

Cheers

Charlotte Brammer