So often in relationships
we fail to see the patterns that repeat, keeping us feeling frustrated or stuck
in the same unfulfilled and unsatisfying relationships over and over again. The
faces change and yet we feel like we are with the same people, the same friends,
the same romantic interest. We often don't notice this until after the
relationship degrades and then we look back and go why do I keep being
attracted to the same arshole (I use that term gender neutrally) or
alternatively why can't I find a group of friends who are..... Instead of..... You can fill in the blanks. A rather large part of building a life is
the company we fill it with; how healthy these relationships are will either create joy or stress in our lives. Some
people are a part of our lives regardless, such as family. Family often provide us with the largest challenges and are also the people we can learn and grow from the most. Our current internal landscape was in large
part influenced by those we grew up with.
Once
we work through the steps of clearing out the old and create a new vision of
what we desire, we can find
our footing, reclaim our basic boundaries and use discernment in our choices. In this blog we will discuss friends and romantic
interests. While most of this blog is applicable to family of origin (F.of.O)
(the people we grew up with) there is so much more intricacy to F.of.O that it
will be its own individual blog. For example just cutting family out of our
lives may not be a possibility and we may not want to sever that bond
completely, whereas with a spurned lover or a friend that violated our trust
intimately severing those relationships may be the best thing.
The Visioning Process
A big part of the visioning process is
visioning the people we wish to have in our lives. The kind of family we want,
the kind of community, the kind of friend group that has complete faith and
trust in you and your vision moving
forward. This also includes the kinds of animals you wish to be around. Animals
are often a forgotten piece of this puzzle, they are such a normal part of life
that we often forget that they are beings in and of themselves with
intelligence and emotional lives. Make sure if they are part of your vision that you
fully understand the commitment that is required before making them a part of
your life.
- Take a moment right now and define what a healthy relationships is. Don't necessarily label it only friend relationship or romantic relationship, while there are physical differences in the relationships the basic foundation of human interaction and connection remain the same.
Trying
to figure out what a healthy relationship is can be a very daunting and a tricky
process. From our parents to the media, a healthy relationship can be scarce
found especially in our current society, and so trying to define something that
few have seen is a hard task. There are healthy elements of relationships out
there so pick and choose among those you know and the experiences you have had
that resonate with you.
Defining Your Current Relationship
Landscape
Once you have a general idea what a
healthy relationship is we can begin to look at how far your current
relationships fall short. Time to take out the paper and pen or the keyboard
once more.
- Define your current relationships by summarizing how you feel about them and utilizing a few words to describe them. Are they helpful, joyous and spontaneous or are they one sided, frustrating and isolating? Do they encourage you, or hold you back? Etc.
- Look back over past relationships with friends, family or romantic interests. What are the patterns? Were there certain emotions that you felt most of the time? Were there certain fights that happen over and over? Which boundaries did they cross and which did you cross that you can see happening over multiple relationships? Were there certain things that happen over and over? Do the endings of relationships ever seem to be the same or run along the same currents and events?
- What are similar red flags that you can see over and over again in the beginnings of relationships? (This means a hint that the person you are beginning the relationship with will eventually fulfill the same unhealthy pattern again. For example say your pattern is emotionally unavailable significant others, some red flags may be their inability to tell you things when they are upset, or never asking anything about you, or on an internal level never feelings safe in the relationship)
- What are unhealthy beliefs that you have about relationships? What are the fairy tales? This last one can be hard because how do we know which of our beliefs are healthy and which are unhealthy. Start with which beliefs limit possibilities and which just don't feel right. Then move onto and question them all, to simply believe something means to stop questioning it and this leads to stagnation and lack of growth.
Figuring our Your Own Internal Landscape
Once you define your patterns and create
a clear picture of what your current relationships look like it is time to
figure out exactly where you stand. Where you need to do work and where you
need to be more discerning. If you have trust issues and this leads you to
being over controlling, start fights for no reason or feel like you have to
check up on your intimate partner, or even your friends then that is something
that you will have to heal. A lot of the crap that happens in our relationships
is actually happening unfortunately because we allow it to happen. If you find
the people around you abusing your goodwill and being disrespectful it is
because you are allowing them to. If you speak up and they still don't change
then you need to make the hard choice to not have them in your life in whatever
capacity this ends up looking like, if they do change then great. That is the
difference between healing and using your discernment. Learning to speak up is
something you can do to heal the gap, seeing when someone really is just an
arshole and choosing not to have him or her in your life is using your discernment.
- What are some of the patterns that come from you in relationships?
- What are the qualities in others that you admire the most? Can you learn to cultivate them within yourself?
- Finally in all the patterns that you found from earlier what part did you play? What will you need to heal to stop the pattern and how can create different choices?
Using Your Power and Discernment
Using
your discernment can also come in handy when you need to decide who is safe in
your life to open up to and be vulnerable with. If you open up to someone who
is emotionally unavailable you will end up hurt, which will unfortunately just
reinforce the unhealthy belief that being vulnerable and sharing yourself with
anyone is dangerous. It is only dangerous with the wrong people. Take out pen
and paper or keyboard and answer the following questions.
- How do you deserve and demand to be treated
- What qualities do you require from friends or from a romantic partner that are non-negotiable (deal breakers)
- I know the fabled make a list of qualities for your dream friend, or dream partner is sometimes scoffed at, but do it anyway. Now that it is complete look it over, how many are expectations that are to high and are setting you up for failure. Alternatively are they not high enough and will continue to let you choose arsholes in your life. How many of the qualities can you check off for yourself? If financial stability is a quality you desire in a partner, are you financially stable? (Get to work ;) )
- What are your own values, hopes and dreams
Once
you finish the questions and get a good sense of what needs to change you can
begin to implement what you've learned into your life. It takes time, patience
and practice to stand for what you want and to stop repeating patterns that you
have had all your life. Like any habit it can be broken and you can have the
relationships you desire and deserve. In order to do this you need to know
where you are, where you want to move to, what is in the way and how to heal
those blocks to let you move from where you are to your new vision.
The Services That Can Help
There are many
services that can help support you through this transition including
psychotherapy, life coaching, Hypnotherapy and even Homeopathy. If you desire
to create new relationships, with valentines day fast approaching and
relationships on the forefront of societies mind, then check out this months Equine Workshop
- How To Create Fulfilling Relationships.
Click Here to find out more
Cheers
Charlotte Brammer
Amazing advice! :)
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