The turmoil of Grief
I don’t know whether the hope, rage or the
despair is better when grieving. You come to hate the hope because even though
it allows a reprieve from the rage or despair that you feel, it also leads to
another devastating crash when it flees again. On the other hand the depths of
despair are so deep you wonder how you will ever climb out again as those who
care about you tell you that it will get better and you pray their words are
right. You become addicted to the rage because at least in some small way it
empowers you and you feel neither hope nor despair but a smoldering hatred that
gives you a small freedom, but then you realize what it does to you and you
begin to hate the hate because it twists your body and soul in ways that feel
wrong. In the meantime you walk one day, one moment at a time in world that has
shifted, a world that you feel will never be the same, a world that has lost
the allure and the vivid colors it once held for you.
You find
yourself in a world where the smallest things break you open, leave you
uncovered to the world, to yourself and you hate what has happened to you. You
remember a time when it wasn’t so, but can no longer feel it. Or even worse you
can feel it in all it roundness and when the dream fades you are reminded in a
very visceral way the truth of your loss once again. You start to avoid places
and things, can’t stand watching movies or TV or music because they all hold
your desperate heart in their uncaring palms, fingers pressing on your loss
ever so slightly. Perhaps you gain the courage to face the places that hold the
potential to make you feel but they do not alleviate the feelings in the moment
though they may shorten the time it takes to climb out of the mourning process.
The
twisting of the Grieving Process
Reading about
the stages of grief can be helpful, understanding the process was helpful for
me because at least I knew that what I are going through is normal, is real and
I wasn’t crazy. However when you are grieving and dealing with your own
daemons, which twist and churn the feelings to attack your very core, your very
worth it is another thing completely. When in the depths of your despair
instead of merely feeling the loss, the daemons turn the loss into validation
that you are flawed, unworthy and unlovable. In your hope the daemons turn your
hope to shame over your weakness in not being strong enough to not want the one
who hurt you. Even if you were strong enough to be the one that walked away
from something that was not healthy your daemons tell you are weak to remember
the good times and be sad. They laugh at your pain and tell you that you
deserve it, what were you thinking. All the while your life has changed and now
you need to find a way through all of this to create an entirely new life, find
a connection to a new vision, to new dreams while mourning the loss of the ones
you held so dear just a little while ago.
Creating
a New Life While We are Broken Open
I was asked to
write about the grieving process; at first I was hesitant because it is a
vastly important and vastly shared experience and I wasn’t sure if I could do
it justice. What I realized as I thought about my own experiences is that I
have a vast amount to share and say. What I also know is how hard it is to have
to change your entire life and create something entirely new while grieving.
This is almost impossible when you are just trying to survive, when feelings of
numbness take hold and you don’t even care if you live or die, if you stay on
the subway platform or you jump off. How can we find the motivation, the energy
to get up and create something of inspiration when it takes all we have just to
crawl out of the blankets and put socks on our feet? How can we possibly put on
a brave face when the world itself has shifted and nothing is the same to have
the conversations that will decide the directions that our lives take? How is
it that we learn to cope and try to remain balanced as our internal tides climb
from rage to despair to hope to acceptance to rage with no warning, no pattern
that we can see? When our daemons and unhealthy past beliefs attack us in our
greatest pain?
New
Growth from the Forest Fire of Loss
And yet we do,
we find a way, we tap vast pools of strength we never knew we had, we make our
way through the crucible and find ourselves forged anew. We look in the mirror
and ask where it came from, the ability to stand through adversity and survive.
Once we are out the other side we wonder how it is we had the strength to
create a new life, new growth out of the forest fire of loss. There is so much
potential in grief for self-healing, for self-love and care, for new growth. It
allows us to see things within that we normally wouldn’t see and allows us the
opportunity to purge our daemons once and for all so that we have the freedom
to feel our losses free from shame and guilt so that we can be cleansed and
made whole once again. I know in my own experience that there were a few things
that helped me be able to create anew.
- Understanding the grieving process
- The stages of grief – Denial and or hope, anger, sorrow, bargaining and acceptance
- How the stages don’t go in order and don’t finish all at once but come in waves and interchange with one another
- That as time goes on the waves of anger, sorrow and hope begin to ease each time, the lows aren’t as low; how acceptance and peace begin to become stronger and longer each time we come out of the darkness
- Learning the lessons that the experience holds for us
- Understanding how our own unhealthy and negative beliefs create more stress and despair. Understanding how to let them go and move into a healthier place
- Understand the difference between pure unaltered grief and when our own stuff is interfering
- Understanding how to create beneficial change in the first place, the pitfalls and the steps
- Allowing the tides to flow with self care and compassion
- Creating a new vision in alignment with our truth
- Taking small steps one at a time to build again
- Accepting the help of our support systems and reaching out rather then isolating
Moving
Forward
It is never
easy, but we aren’t alone. Like anything else in life we are guaranteed greater
success if we understand the rules and foundations in the first place. The
grieving process is no different; even if we wish it were something we could
bypass all together. One step, one day, one wave at a time until we emerge onto
dry land once more and look back in appreciation of ourselves and of the lives
we now live. The loss of a loved one, of property, of our significant other, of
a way of life, of a violation, of a betrayal is devastating; all loss is. With
the right tools you can make your way through, you can build again; you can
create the life you desire. The Envision Series of workshops dive into how to
heal, how to create change, how to build a vision and a life that is in
alignment with your own powerful truth. It will give you the skills and
knowledge to be your own therapist so that you can create whatever you desire.
Charlotte Brammer
For more information Click Here
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