Is the Need for Control Causing Your Anxiety?

The struggle to create and live life while maintaining some kind of equilibrium can create a lot of anxiety and move us away from the natural free flow of the moment. There is so much beyond us, beyond our understanding, beyond our experience. An infinite sea of things we can never know and a deep need to have some kind of footing and ground throughout it all. Growing up in so much uncertainty, especially if support and validation wasn't supplied in our childhood homes, can lead to a need to have control. This control can manifest in every facet of our lives: to control the body, to control our lives and the external world, to control our interactions within our relationships and limit and control change. We do this by remaining hyper vigilant, on the attack and defense at all times. We define everything around us including ourselves, and rate everything based on value. We feel a sense of anxiety as we wait for our bubble to burst and our sense of control to fade away leaving us afloat in a sea of chaos. Our very fear of this happening validates the fact that the very idea of control is a fiction we sell ourselves.

         To maintain this fiction we sacrifice much of the range and depth of experience in life. We cut off our emotions because they are dangerous and unknown. We disconnect from our bodies because they lead us back to our emotions and sensations that we can't look at. We sacrifice vulnerability and authentic sharing in relationship because those things are not controllable. Our stress levels remain high as we go about our days trying to spin the planet and move everything within it by sheer force of will. The more of this fiction we participate in the more our need for control will grow and with it our fear. The more we try to control the more likely things will fall apart and make us come face first with the realization that we are never under control. 

         We need to redefine our relationship to the word surrender. Surrender means more about letting go of resistance rather then loosing control. When we try to control things what we are basically doing is trying to resist what is. This seems rather silly when you look at it. We use so much energy and exhaust ourselves living in fear and anxiety resisting what is. Where do we begin then to start re-entering life and flow? First there is a big difference between control in the moment and knowing that the moment is safe, that you are safe in the moment. You must first connect back to your body and from there learn emotional intelligence. It is these two things along with intuition that gives us the most information on the present moment and our feelings about it. Part of our resistance in not wanting to look at and own that fact that control is an illusion. While we have choice in the moment on how we feel, and how we act, we have no control over anything else. With our intention and energy we do broadcast and co-create the outcomes that take place but even in that the art of surrendering comes into play. Creating change is more about making higher quality choices in whatever presents itself to us then trying to control what is presented.

         We also must recognize the downside to living in the fiction of control. Many people experience profound moments of deep realization when meditating or going through profound experiences. They avoid and resist, avoid and resist, the moment they soften and let go of the resistance they are propelled to a place where they experience the vast array of senses and experiences in the moment free of definitions or anxiety. They are simply aware and appreciate every facet of the experience whether comfortable or not. It is in this moment that it is as if a bell is rung and you become hollow. It is in this space that you feel your infiniteness and realize how small you were living and thinking and being.

Living free of resistance, living in totality allowing everything to be exactly as it is while holding a vision of what we wish to co-create and birth into reality is a state of trust. It is trust in self and trust that you are being fully supported as you need it and that your greatest power is in the quality of choices that you make in those moments. The surrendering allows us to experience the full breath and depth of each facet of the moment. It allows us to be at peace with discomfort and with jubilation. Above all it allows us to re-connect back to our needs, back to a healthy place of healthy expectations of self. It allows us to connect in relationship in authentic vulnerability and receive as well as give in a whole new wholehearted way. Life becomes freer, more energy is created and we can enjoy each step we take rather than avoid and grasp and feel anxiety.

         Letting go of the illusion of control and learning to be fully present to the moment is a continual process. It is a habit we must break and a belief we must re-write. There are many modalities that can help with this and many avenues for learning. Going forward remember to be gentle with yourself and above all be aware of when you are resisting the flow of the moment.

Charlotte Brammer, RP

Psychotherapist, Hypnotherapist

EMDR Trained, Equine Assisted Psychotherapist

Somatic Relational Psychotherapist- Level 2 Trained

Living Clarity

Dream Wisdom – 13 Truths on the Path to Being Free

Last night I had the most amazing dream. If you looked at the dream at face value, you may have said that it was a bad dream; but for me I learned more in one night than I was able to learn in these past few months of fumbling. I feel like I have been tasting these truths but ultimately not digesting them. I have been vigilantly seeking them, knowing their reality but not quite feeling it or capturing it. I have been trying my best to shine the light on them, and like all things they came to me in their own time when I was ready.

As is true for all of us we go through periods of intense growth and change; sometimes we call these times positive and sometimes we call them negative. What is always true is that they break our containers, or break us out of them. A container is how we define ourselves or life. They are our coping mechanisms, our emotional and mental patterns, they are our habits and habitual reactions. I have been spending the last few months or to be more accurate years breaking my containers on purpose and it has been an amazing journey. Once a container is broken we can reach and experience all new levels of being and living. It is like we can finally see the truth and it allows us the ability to create health, success and manifest with more and more ease. There seems to be ever more depths and heights to this life and what is possible; possible to create, possible to feel or possible to experience, all we have to do is step outside our containers. Breaking out of or dissolving our old containers can often be scary because in a way it is a leap; and like all leaps before we take them they are unknown. It is very vulnerable and the old containers, though constricting and sometimes down right icky, can also feel very comforting.

One thing they will do is keep us exactly where we are, there is a status quo that old containers create, we may not see exactly how they do it, but they do. This is true because we unconsciously make choices or partake in specific behaviours that insure we do not grow. I have always found it more beneficial to face the fear and anxiety of breaking our containers then to remain within them. In fact, I have come to associate restless anxiety with meeting the edges of my own container that I am ready to outgrow. I know when it is time to grow because I feel bored and anxious and like I am on the edge of a canyon but I don’t know what is coming or is needed, only that it is. The old container if we are not vigilantly aware of it, or we don’t understand its specific edges can slip back on. This is a natural part of growth and I feel like it is our period of learning, to slip in and out of it. I feel like what I learnt last night is not only helpful in this transition period but for all of our life. Without further ado, here are the things I learnt:

• You do not need to have complete awareness of all the moving parts to manifest or create.
• The only anchor you need in life to feel safe is your vision and a connection to yourself.
• You cannot create self-connection through anchoring without.
• Stay on the road, or on the path. As long as you stay on the path that your vision (anchor) is driving you on then everything else will be taken care of along the way.
• Timing and arriving on a schedule will no longer matter, it will also be taken care of all by itself.
• Always investigate all new situations and guide from the heart and your anchor. Do not jump onto someone or something else’s bus just because they/it are passionate, enigmatic or have a sense of urgency.
• If this happens then it is a detour, detours always manage to come back to the main route so relax, but remember they are not necessary.
• People can join you or not, revel in and love the connection for what it is but don’t slow down for them.
• Always allow flow, there is never a need to grasp on to another … (you can substitute basically anything here,) allow the journey and remain true to yourself and your experience.
• Reflect on the beauty of your endings with gratitude. They can be spectacular when viewed from above.
• Often times we mistake leaping for dying.
• It is impossible to navigate the leap through the old container; it will be like speaking the wrong language.
• If everything is new then you have to be open to learn everything new, it is the closing down of wanting to learn that creates fear and stops us from navigating and flowing.

My old container – The following is a look into one of my old containers. The edges are well defined and it is quickly fading away as I vigilantly notice when and where I climb back into it.

I always feared that if I did not vigilantly have awareness of all the moving parts then I would lose control and crash. It is actually impossible to be aware of all the moving parts, and so I would always feel unsafe. This would spur me to try to create anchors out of people, businesses, situations, shopping (substitute anything here.) As long as I had an external anchor then I would feel anxious because there would come a time when all external would dissolve. This would lead me to making many, many detours for people, business, situations, you name it because I would need them to be my anchors and so I needed them to stay the same and or fulfill the promise we will do it or create it for you. I would feel guilty or scared and give too much, losing my centre and myself.

I have always had a vision and a dream and knew the purity and beauty of it. I was always able to create small portions or chunks of this vision and wondered if that was enough, because I was too afraid to truly leap because it felt to much like dying, too much like annihilation; albeit I was not aware of this consciously. I didn’t want to learn because that meant leaping which would mean being able to be completely and utterly open and vulnerable and so I stopped the flow. I clung to my old container over and over again. I would climb out of it periodically in order to understand and heal something or to create something and then I would climb back in again.

Old containers seem to contain a type of amnesia; we seem to forget time and time again the epiphanies and lessons we learnt while outside of them. We then seem to have to relearn these epiphanies and lessons each time we climb back out. This is also part of the process of growing. It is like testing the waters and we have to learn these lessons and epiphanies on many levels before they truly integrate completely and we leave the old containers behind for good. The other interesting aspect of being in an old container is that we almost want to take it with us into the new one. We try to make little allowances or rationalizations like oh if I just do this or this then I can still be the same but will create what I really want. Unfortunately, as we learnt above you can’t navigate the other side of your leaps with the old container, and this is true because as long as you are inside of it you will never actually leap. The more awareness and self-love we have throughout this process the easier and faster it will be. 

            I don’t know if you can relate to any or all of this, but each time we climb out of our old containers we become more and more comfortable, powerful and confident in our sense of playful exuberance. These truths take on a more powerful abundant glow and they radiate through and annihilate the fear because we can feel them in our cores. They anchor in, and when we anchor in to ourselves we are unstoppable. When we are unstoppable, then we are free.

Please feel free to leave comments or questions, or to share your own stories about old containers and lessons you have learned.

Charlotte Brammer,

Psychotherapy, Hypnotherapist

Equine Assisted Therapist

Reiki Master

Living Clarity

Keeping Perspective. 5 Tips to Help Create New Habits and Enforce Positive Change

It is of utmost importance when we are trying to create positive change and build new habits that we maintain a sense of perspective. It can be so easy to become distracted, move into anxiety and stress from the simplest of stimuli. Once this happens we begin to drive around inside our bodies on autopilot, and once we are on autopilot we become reactive rather then conscious. The problem is that our reactivity stems from outdated belief systems, the very belief systems we are trying to change in the first place. Let’s take a moment here to explore this farther and why this is so. When we are born we are perhaps preprogrammed on some level to have certain traits but we are not born with specific mindsets.

We learn things in three main ways as we grow.

1.     We are handed the belief down through verbal tutoring.

2.     We misinterpret confusing actions, such as anger from a parent when we are having fun.

3.     We create a fantasy, or assumption and then believe it to be true.

This is called an initial sensitizing event, it creates a specific belief system about who we are and or what the world is like. It becomes the basis for our choices.

Diagram created by Charlotte Brammer

After using these beliefs for many years they start to become unconscious, we don’t even realize why we are doing or feeling things.

As the above diagram shows after the initial belief is created it is accompanied by an emotional reaction, which translates into how we physically show up in the world. This becomes our internal landscape; all our choices and behaviors are filtered through this internal landscape now and often create the very outcomes that prove the initial belief in the first place. As a simple example: if we are told as children we will never succeed then through our actions, reactions and choices we will often create self fulfilling prophecies that create our lack of success. After using these beliefs for many years they start to become unconscious, we don’t even realize why we are doing or feeling things. We can’t see why our outcomes and stories seem to repeat over and over again.

When we are on our journey of returning to wholeness it becomes imperative to bring ourselves back to a state of awareness rather then autopilot. Any change that we are trying to create will need us to keep a sense of perspective, whether that perspective is on the big picture or on a new way of seeing / feeling things. Another way of thinking of this, if you drive in the same place on a dirt road over and over you eventually make deep ruts. It becomes very hard to get out of these ruts. As we look back over our unconscious patterns and dynamics and start creating new healthy belief systems, choices, behaviors and outcomes we start driving on a totally new section of the dirt road. When we loose perspective we swerve and end up back in ruts. To create a new habit we must use the new section of the road until the old ruts fill in over time and we create new healthier ruts. These are also known as neural pathways.

            So how we can stack the odds in our favor as we clear out unhelpful old patterns and create new higher quality outcomes?

Tip Number 1. Mindfulness 

Mindfulness techniques can help us retrain our consciousness to stay more aware of the present moment. In the present moment we can start to become aware of the internal pulls of our preprogramed patterns that have created our current circumstances. Once we have done this training it will be much easier to notice when we have lost our perspective on things and have fallen back into autopilot.

Before you start your mindfulness practice make sure to read my blog What You Need toKnow About Mindfulness Before You Start Your Practice - 5 Easy steps to Integrate Mindfulness into Everyday Life Safely andEffectively

Tip Number 2.  Reminders

I find personally that once I have done the work to heal outdated patterns and dynamics and have created a new way of relating to myself and the world that it often helps me to use an object that is small enough to carry with me to help remind me of the new perspective I am trying to integrate into my life. You can use any object that is suitable as long as you will be able to see it often. Each time you catch sight of it, carry it, touch it or play with allow it to remind you about what you are trying to create. Feel that creation as vividly as you can and see the ripple effects it might create in your life. For example if you realize you can be a success and you feel empowered how might that change the behaviors and outcomes in your life?

Tip Number 3. Compassion

In the times where you slip, where you loose perspective and you find yourself reliving old dynamics, feelings and stories don’t fall into the trap of beating yourself up and letting the inner critic kick you when you are down. Instead take a moment to breath, give yourself a hug. Allow the feelings of frustration to flow through you to completion and then feel the gratitude that you were able to catch the autopilot and bring yourself back to the new perspective. The more you practice this dance the easier it will become to notice when you wander and to bring yourself back. Forgive yourself.

Tip Number 4. Notice Both Fear and Resistance

Part of creating new patterns and creating change is fear and along with it internal resistance. This is perfectly normal especially when we are just getting our feat wet and learning the process. The tip here is to breath, feel the fear and do it anyway. If there is one thing I have learned is that there is always a way and that everything can be figured out with the right attitude and an open mind.

            With internal resistance it will become a great opportunity to try and understand where it is stemming from and to move through it a lot like the outdated belief systems that we are trying to change in the first place.

Tip Number 5. Trust Your Vision and Your Intuition 

In the beginning when you are on your journey to learning who you really are and what the world is really like it can be hard to trust your intuition or to even know what that is. With time it will become easier to recognize. Intuition is a big part of our dreams, our vision of what could be possible if only we had the courage to try. There is a difference inside when something feels right and something feels off. These sensations start to become our inner compass, the driving force behind the inspiration in our lives.

            There is nothing better to help us keep perspective then if we have a vision of what we are trying to create. This vision is something we can hold with us, to create sacred space for it to germinate and manifest. This vision might be as grand as the world or only a small part of our lives. It does not matter the size of the vision only how it makes us feel how real it is to us. If our visions are strong enough then they become worth taking risks and facing our fears, and our intuitions will kick into high gear as we learn to navigate the world of positive change.

Charlotte Brammer

Psychotherapist, Hypnotherapist

Equine Assisted Therapist